When I tell people Michael and I didn't necessarily want to have children, I get a lot of mixed responses. The most popular being, "you don't like children?" After many years of fighting the desire to smack said people I now calmly shake my head and respond that we love children we just aren't sure having the is the right decision for us. I've come to understand, it might be a fair questions considering I come from a very large family, I babysit for my friends who need a night out and Michael and I are a very dotting aunt and uncle to all 6 of our nieces. So why not have children of our own?
About equally, people tell me, "Oh, don't worry you'll change your mind." (Really, don't worry? I wasn't worried in the first place. Our not wanting kids isn't like a bad haircut of a stressful week at work which you might be told "Don't worry. It'll get better.") I think my largest issue is how personal this subject is. I have friends who desperately want kids but struggle with infertility. Many times after a discussion about why we don't want kids I'm left with my own question, how do people think it's appropriate to dig into my decisions about having or not having children? For all they know we could have been trying to conceive for years unsuccessfully and have come to terms with it not being God's plan. It just boggles my mind that people can be so adamant about something but so insensitive at the same time.
Occasionally, someone will tell me,"but you're so good with kids!" (Yes, yes I am. I'm the oldest of six kids, was a nanny in high school, and volunteered with youth organizations for many years. I like little kids, you know why? Because at the end of the day I can give them back to their parents.)
People talk about the joy, satisfaction and total fulfillment that is derived from having children. Or my personal favorite, "You don't know real love until you have loved a child." (Thank you for diminishing the love my husband and I share...I had no idea that wasn't real love.) People, honestly, will do anything to persuade you to have children. Which I will never understand. If you aren't ready for kids please wait. If you are never ready, don't do it! The decision to have a child isn't like adopting a gold fish or buying a few purse. They aren't an accessory or a box to check off your to-do-list.
However, though all my tough talk, I really do like kids, and I fee like there will come a point in our lives when Michael and I are ready to settle down a little bit and join the baby train. But, to be honest pregnancy terrifies me. I don't want my body to be a host for another person. I don't want to have everyone tell me what I can and can't do to my body while pregnant. I don't want to gain weight (an issue I already struggle with) I don't want the pain. I don't want to take 6 weeks off work to recover.
Most of all, I don't want to stop drinking wine and eating sushi.
Michael and I have talked about adoption as a possibility. There are so many babies out there without homes, and that seems like a really great way to have a baby and not be pregnant. But when I tell people my thoughts on adoption, I'm told that I should have my own baby if I can because I'd want it to look like me or Michael. Or that pregnancy is worth it to have your own baby.
Or that if I can have my own baby, I should because I don't know what I'm missing and there are women who desperately want to be pregnant but can't.
I'm not sure what my ability to lack or desire to be pregnant (if I even have the ability-who knows I may have issues, never having tried to get pregnant before.) has to do with another women's ability and desire to be pregnant. I truly feel for women who want to be pregnant more than anything but can't. But I'm certainly not going to tell someone who isn't pregnant and doesn't want to be-that they don't know how lucky they are to be able to have children.
Here's the thing. For many women, it's either have a baby or don't have a baby at all. And that is fine if that's what they want. I respect your decision. If you're a mom, then be an amazing mom, and I'll support you, love YOUR kids, and bring the wine to you. All I ask in return, please don't undermine my lack of desire to be pregnant or my ability to adopt just because...it's not how you did it? Or, you don't understand?
I usually leave these conversations infuriated, frustrated and sad with nothing to really say in response. I'd like to say it's mostly strangers who evoke these conversations and feelings but I would be lying. Many a family function or outings with friends have led to the same discussions time and again...people you just want to accept you for you. I've realized it's a crossing of beliefs, they are so strongly rooted in what they believe should make you happy they can't see past it. I would like something to say in return than my usual response of "Thank you for your concern but we are perfectly fine." It's just such an emotional issue and one I've been sorting out in my head for the 7 years we have been married. The snarky comebacks are always there but I can't bring myself to use them. Deep down I know it will only make the conversation worse.
In the end I just want acceptance for being me. Please appreciate me for my gifts, my personality, my friendship, my willingness to love your kids, don't tag on a disclaimer that says I'll be complete once I have children. I'm more than my ability to produce cute babies.
About equally, people tell me, "Oh, don't worry you'll change your mind." (Really, don't worry? I wasn't worried in the first place. Our not wanting kids isn't like a bad haircut of a stressful week at work which you might be told "Don't worry. It'll get better.") I think my largest issue is how personal this subject is. I have friends who desperately want kids but struggle with infertility. Many times after a discussion about why we don't want kids I'm left with my own question, how do people think it's appropriate to dig into my decisions about having or not having children? For all they know we could have been trying to conceive for years unsuccessfully and have come to terms with it not being God's plan. It just boggles my mind that people can be so adamant about something but so insensitive at the same time.
Occasionally, someone will tell me,"but you're so good with kids!" (Yes, yes I am. I'm the oldest of six kids, was a nanny in high school, and volunteered with youth organizations for many years. I like little kids, you know why? Because at the end of the day I can give them back to their parents.)
People talk about the joy, satisfaction and total fulfillment that is derived from having children. Or my personal favorite, "You don't know real love until you have loved a child." (Thank you for diminishing the love my husband and I share...I had no idea that wasn't real love.) People, honestly, will do anything to persuade you to have children. Which I will never understand. If you aren't ready for kids please wait. If you are never ready, don't do it! The decision to have a child isn't like adopting a gold fish or buying a few purse. They aren't an accessory or a box to check off your to-do-list.
However, though all my tough talk, I really do like kids, and I fee like there will come a point in our lives when Michael and I are ready to settle down a little bit and join the baby train. But, to be honest pregnancy terrifies me. I don't want my body to be a host for another person. I don't want to have everyone tell me what I can and can't do to my body while pregnant. I don't want to gain weight (an issue I already struggle with) I don't want the pain. I don't want to take 6 weeks off work to recover.
Most of all, I don't want to stop drinking wine and eating sushi.
Michael and I have talked about adoption as a possibility. There are so many babies out there without homes, and that seems like a really great way to have a baby and not be pregnant. But when I tell people my thoughts on adoption, I'm told that I should have my own baby if I can because I'd want it to look like me or Michael. Or that pregnancy is worth it to have your own baby.
Or that if I can have my own baby, I should because I don't know what I'm missing and there are women who desperately want to be pregnant but can't.
I'm not sure what my ability to lack or desire to be pregnant (if I even have the ability-who knows I may have issues, never having tried to get pregnant before.) has to do with another women's ability and desire to be pregnant. I truly feel for women who want to be pregnant more than anything but can't. But I'm certainly not going to tell someone who isn't pregnant and doesn't want to be-that they don't know how lucky they are to be able to have children.
Here's the thing. For many women, it's either have a baby or don't have a baby at all. And that is fine if that's what they want. I respect your decision. If you're a mom, then be an amazing mom, and I'll support you, love YOUR kids, and bring the wine to you. All I ask in return, please don't undermine my lack of desire to be pregnant or my ability to adopt just because...it's not how you did it? Or, you don't understand?
I usually leave these conversations infuriated, frustrated and sad with nothing to really say in response. I'd like to say it's mostly strangers who evoke these conversations and feelings but I would be lying. Many a family function or outings with friends have led to the same discussions time and again...people you just want to accept you for you. I've realized it's a crossing of beliefs, they are so strongly rooted in what they believe should make you happy they can't see past it. I would like something to say in return than my usual response of "Thank you for your concern but we are perfectly fine." It's just such an emotional issue and one I've been sorting out in my head for the 7 years we have been married. The snarky comebacks are always there but I can't bring myself to use them. Deep down I know it will only make the conversation worse.
In the end I just want acceptance for being me. Please appreciate me for my gifts, my personality, my friendship, my willingness to love your kids, don't tag on a disclaimer that says I'll be complete once I have children. I'm more than my ability to produce cute babies.
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